Tag Archives: satire

A Letter to Kenneth Clarke, MP

Dear Sir,
I write before you under no malice or aggression; but rather out of an injustice caused to me as of 20th July, 2012. I cannot give greater proof of the high opinion I have of your candour and post as Ministry of Justice, than by the liberty I am to take by offering you advice upon a subject which you have so just a claim to act for yourself. I know you to have a love for justice, law and order and I, too, share this desire to live in a community in which shares the same views as yourself; however, upon an incident in which my motorbike was stolen, I was faced harshly with the truths of our community; perhaps, in some sense, my own naivety deceived me into believing that we live in a society in which the law and justice is respected by one-another. Apparently, your Right Honourable Gentleman, this is not the case.
You must forgive me for the way I have introduced myself and have possibly been elusive in the purport of my writing and who, in fact, I am. As you will know, the British Youth Council recently ran local elections for a local Member of Youth Parliament. My name is Joseph Williams and I was lucky enough to be chosen by my constituents of a similar age to fill this post. It is something I respect so much so, that it surpasses my power of expression – as I’m sure you’re aware of given your current position. However, those very same constituents who chose me to represent them; those constituents whom claim to lack a voice in the community which chose me to articulate for the inarticulate; those very same constituents which claim they receive a bad press for theft et al. have chosen to none other than stab me in the larynx by stealing from me.
I propose, after this malignant act, that a reformation is to take place on the current Criminal Justice Act, 2001. In Saudi Arabia, Syria and, now the old Libya (after the removal of the corrupt tyrant Gadaffi), the punishment for theft is to be:
• Branding
• Limb amputation
• Capital punishment
Now, alike your respectful self, I believe these punishments to be extremely radical. However, this style of justice system has been proven to work. If we take a look at statistics1, the total number of recorded automobile thefts in the UK (2002) was 348, 169 as opposed to Saudi Arabia’s 18, 717. These recordings have led me to believe that the current justice system in Saudi Arabia is proving much more effectual than our current system. Granted, of course, we have to take into consideration the greater number of automobiles the UK has, but when we compare that to the surface area and population of Saudi Arabia, a country rich in oil, it begins to balance out the figures.
I do not call upon you to make drastic adjustments to the bill, and I understand the timescale which often encumbers any progress; but I believe it to be within the best interest of those of which that still support you and I, and those of which I still wish to speak on behalf of within my constituency. Permit me to assure you, Sir, I believe you to be a venerable man and I fear that you will think this address impertinent; yet, I still seek your approbation and request you seek the virtue in the reasons I write such a letter. Believe me, your Right Honourable Gentleman, I merit your utmost attention and regard on these matters which I present unto you. However, I feel after such an act of betrayal – not merely betrayal to me and everything on which I stand for but lest we forget the betrayal to yourself for everything you try to serve and protect yours and my own constituents with – a change of some sort must be made. Therefore, I plead you forgive me for, what may appear to be, impudence and vow that it is the mode of the letter, rather than the tone which actually undercuts my true word. I eagerly await a reply on your opinions and views and:
I am, Sir,
Your most humble and obedient servant,
Joseph Williams, MYP

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Israeli dangerous, but we’ll go in anyway!

America, the war mongering psychopaths they already are, have taken to dizzy new heights by entering Israel. 9000 troops are entering Israel without much media attention and are suspected of attacking Tehran; however, the American’s have obviously said they’re not going to do that and it’s all for some military testing. Haven’t we heard that before? Yeah, they also said they weren’t going to fight in Vietnam, they were just going to send some military advisers over! And they also said Iraq had WMD’s but has anyone found any of them? I thought not!

It’s not been a secret that tensions between the two have been significantly high recently, and as soon as Iran “hijacked” the American drone, a constant backfire of words and arguments has resulted in this. Many have speculated the escapade but nobody expected it to happen so soon.

Apparently, the two countries are going to hold a missile olympics to see who has the bigger bullets and then presumably fire them at each other. The concern isn’t with the missiles being fired as this was confirmed a long while ago, what is the major issue is the fact it takes 9000 American troops to do so. That’s a lot of people in Israel and could be perceived as an act of imperialism and a threat to the nations national defence (or so they’ll say) and that could end up in all out war. New command posts will begin to be in operation throughout Israel and it seems inevitable for it all to eventually kick off.

The only problem is, there’s a bit of the Cuban missile crisis going on. Personally I think it’s only a matter of time before someone presses the big red button that says “Apocalyspe Now!” (ooh, war movie reference related to Vietnam).

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