Merry Christmas! I don’t mean it at all. I’m sure you’re celebrating it with your family, understandably, even the most devilish of people have hearts – or in your case, a rock. Congratulations on all the bad press you’ve been getting lately, by the way! I must say, the riots and then pulling out of the EU; my God, people thought you went mental. Then (oh, and then) you went and annoyed every single racist in the country by adopting that American term “Holiday” instead of Christmas, because it may offend. Which, I do say, is truly understandable, again.
I’m sure you’re singing carols with your family and reading sections of the bible – the King James Bible, though! No Eton-Oxbridge student dare touch any other! Enjoying it, I presume? Of course not. Silly me to even think you may enjoy something other than making brutal cuts to our economy that, sadly, do need to take place, but in moderation, rather than cutting away like this is some sort of slasher movie and you’re the protagonist from Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. Alas, oh dear David, the low income families of this once great Britain will have to suffer a more Jehovas Witness Christmas this year, without that religion malarky though – basically they just lack presents – but I’m sure you’ll think of something to say along the lines of: “Christmas is a time of giving love, rather than gifts, because no gift is greater than the gift of love” and then you’ll get your good old friend Georgey Osbourne to brag about the “economy seeing signs of growth!” even though we all know its just a fluctuation, but you shouldn’t care about economic growth, Dave, for “its about giving love” not gifts!
The Queen’s speech, tomorrow, I’m sure you’re delighted to know! I do hope you’ll be saying a few words along the way but I somewhat doubt it; a rumbling stomach simply cannot wait for Jeffery’s (your butler) delightful bird in a bird in a bird which, no doubt, he has shot and killed it himself from one of your fathers plots of land, or at least a Lord’s plot of land, in exchange for having a bloody wind turbine in their garden for 6 months.
In other less irreverent news, you gave your speech recently (15th December) on what you call “troubled families” and then that bloddy Dick Peg-leg Clegg only went and copied you in giving a speech on open societies. Good idea by the both of you, I must say! Take everybodies mind off the fact we’re heading for a total shit-storm by talking about things no-one really cares about; but, hey! at least nobody is rioting! I loved that quote “we will not fix these problems without revolution in responsibility”. It was somewhat ironic really because when other people revolutionise, say, capitalism by, oh, I don’t know, “Occupying London” you dislike it! It’s all well and good when we’re revolting in the ways you like. And you must have regretted reading that one out! It”s just asking to be paraphrased by some crooked Daily Mail journalist who probably worked for you once with “We will not fix these problems.” as the headline. Nevermind though, eh? It’s Christmas!
And what about him, eh? That bloody droopy-faced-characterless moron they call Ed Milliband. Trying to get “in” with the Lib Dems by openly offering them to sign some sort of stupid deal that will save us severing the ties with the US and Europe. Let’s be honest though, the US only provides us with Western ideals that we don’t need, Oil, fat people and burger king. They stole our language and defecated all over it, they took our way of life and pissed all over it and then, the bastards, they made everybody fat. Not only that, they drag us into every war they get into and blame it on Communism and Socialism.
I must, though, congratulate you on finally doing something right. Infrastructure is key to making our economy grow; Merkel would be proud! She loves her industrialism. Then again, so did Hitler.. And look where that got him. I’ve got to say though, if you really want to cut the deficit there’s an awful helicopter that constantly roams Salford, Manchester at ridiculous hours hoping to find some sort of wrong-doings but I’m almost certain they never have!
Anyhow, to wrap things up I bid a Merry Christmas to your familiy and most importantly, your pet, Nick. You, on the other hand, can probably just stop doing what you’re doing, realise your policies aren’t working that well, your speeches are fooling no-one and you’re probably going to witness some severe riots in the forseeable future. On the contrary, it gives you the opportunity to read one of those speeches on families and the big society, you so dearly love!