Monthly Archives: December 2011

The ‘Iron’ Lady

Thatcher’s nickname, the Iron Lady, has been totally misconstrued, according to newly released Cabinet documents. The newly released documents were forced to be released under the 30-year act, or something of a similar name (apparently Parliament have a imagination barrier). The documents show that after a total refurbishment of £2,000 to the Downing Street flat, Thatcher begged, argued even, to pay for a £19 ironing board, hence the name Iron Lady. It’s rather IRONic that she was willing to pay such a small expense; the documents released show that she had the carpets seamed, a chair cleaned, the crockery replaced and other things. It seems like they didn’t actually refurbish the flat at all, what they really did was clean a few bits and bobs and kept it secret for 30 years because, after all, there’s nothing you can do about it now.

I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that her name is IRONic. She came and tried to straighten out the creases of the British society and ended up doing nothing but putting a good old stain that can’t be removed. Well done, Thatcher! Good on you!

Refurbishment used in the loosest sense of the word.

The 'Iron' Lady.

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Clegg’s Open Society.

Clegg on society

Clegg is attempting to do what Cameron failed with to do with the Big Society - with a different name, of course.

Due to Clegg lacking the ability to think for himself, he’s decided to target what annoyed every citizen of Britain by talking about the “Big Society”, except, of course, with a different name. Below is a ‘transcript’ of his speech at the annual Demos Lecture.

“Let me begin by thanking the Demos and the Open Society Foundation for inviting me to speak here today – I’m glad somebody wants to listen to me, it’s a lot different in parliament. The good thing about getting somebody who doesn’t speak that often is we try our best. It’s like having sex with an overweight lady – not that I’d know anything about that!

The values of the open society: the same thing that Cameron said about the Big Society. I don’t quite remember all of them but I think it has something to do with social mobility and pluralism. And, of course, reflecting on the past events that recently occurred due to the recent cuts.

Time’s are extremely difficult at the moment. The economic situation of not just Britain but the world as a whole usually leads to one thing – separatism, populism and an “us versus them” mentality (I say that because I can’t think of anything more intelligent to say). However, a great thing to come out of the general election was me, due to me being liberal. I have no idea why, but that’s what it says here.

Liberals are good. Apparently, anyway. It’s not just because we’re complete pushovers, or because we make numerous u-turns constantly, it’s because we unite the country in a common hatred against our ridiculous policies. The far right boast of elitism, the far left boast of education and the NHS, we boast of saying “hey! That’s a great idea, lets do it! Nevermind, back to the way we were!” and, of course, lying, but what party doesn’t do that!?

However, when times are difficult, we have to remain optimistic – I mean, christ, the bloody policies aren’t working and we haven’t got any money so we may as well rely on what’s free! Not only must we rely on optimism, though, we must work together; as one; as a United Kingdom. Don’t worry, we can forget about it once we’re back on stable ground. We can all go back to hating each other and stop pretending, but for now, let’s just be okay with each other.

People change politics. They change the way things are done. Public opinion can completely disintegrate an idea that took months to establish within seconds. If we work as a union, as a true public, we can get things done, because otherwise no politician is going to do it, all we want is a brand new moat and another flat in Kensington.

If we’re an open society, a society that accepts all ideas and works as one to reach a common goal, we can be out of this mess in no time. We can be voting Liberals and everything will go back to 1900. Oh, those were the days. The Raj, lots of money, everything was swimming – besides, of course, that bloody Kaiser who wanted lots of our land.

Hitler talked of an open society, probably. Being a socialist he loved people – obviously not all of them, but nevermind. He got Germany back on track and made it a strong superpower – that is before he plunged it into massive amounts of debt and ruin.

Societies work better when we work together. I know I’m stating the obvious but I’m not actually that bright so I couldn’t think of anything to say.

Anywho, vote Liberal and have a wondeful night.”

He actually made no reference to Nazi Germany in the official speech but there’s nothing like comedic license.

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Churchill was a fat racist.

Everyone misinterprets Churchill as being this wonderful character who won the war. He did, to a certain extent, win the war and fought in the first world war, apparently. Nonetheless, he was still fat and still a racist, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I hate him.

No, I’m not going to stop there.

Many of you may not know that Britain, fundamentally, owned India throughout a majority of the 19th Century and almost half the 20th Century. Churchill was involved in India profusely, largely due to him being the Prime Minister. Frankly, along with every other Briton at that time, he hated India. India was, at one point, a gold mine for Britain. Like a sponge, they squeezed every last penny they could get out of it and then killed a bunch of Indians, because they could. When Ghandi, who I do think is a little bit misleading and should not be perceived as the kind-hearted soul as he seems to be, met with the Viceroy in 1931, Churchill commented:

“It is alarming and nauseating to see Mr Gandhi, a seditious Middle Temple lawyer, now posing as a fakir of a type well known in the east, striding half naked up the steps of the viceregal palace, while he is still organising and conducting a campaign of civil disobedience, to parlay on equal terms with the representative of the Emperor-King”

What a tosser. In a letter to His mother, Churchill regarded India as a “Godless land of snobs and bores”.

It doesn’t end there, either. When talking of imperialism – which is considerably hypocritical of him to say this due to the fact 2 years later a war broke out in which he didn’t advocate Nazi imperialism (oh, the irony) – he stated:

“I do not admit… that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America, or the black people of Australia… by the fact that a stronger race, a higher grade race… has come in and taken its place.”

The worst is when he talks of Hitler. He claims he doesn’t like Hitler’s system – I suppose it’s got something to do with all those Jew’s being brutally and inhumanely murdered – but “admires his patriotism”. Yeah, because as long as you love your country it’s perfectly okay to murder 6 million Jews.

“One may dislike Hitler’s system and yet admire his patriotic achievement. If our country were defeated, I hope we should find a champion as admirable to restore our courage and lead us back to our place among the nations.”
From his Great Contemporaries, 1937

It’s somewhat ironic that it is from “Great Contemporaries”. I just wonder if his opinion changed after Kristellnacht and The Final Solution.

There are many more ridiculous quotes to which you can infer from yourself provided, kindly, by the Guardian. Perhaps you disagree with me.

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Hello, World!

I thought I’d satirise that annoying “Hello, World!” thing that WordPress insist on putting on your blog when you start it like any moron would ever say that, ever – it appears in my own contradiction, I am that moron.

I thought I started yesterday’s post with a bang and riled up those tory “followers” that I don’t yet have – and may never have. The Thatcherites may be turning in their oakwood coffin with a tumbler of whiskey, but alas who among us really cares? Me. That’s who. I’m only joking, everybody is welcome here, all people. Left, right, centre, but no extremists. You deserve no place in our pluralist societ – oh, the irony.

I think it’s brilliant (hyperbole) that the url for this blog is “hello-world-2” because a previous version of this has existed – you win this battle, WordPress.

Anyhow, I suppose I should take this opportunity to establish to you, the reader, who I am.

I am not old, yet I am not young,
I display the wrinkles of you grandfather,
And the childishness of his grandson,
Who am I?

Contradiction is my highpoint, this morning. I am Joe. I like to be politically active and I was once invited to co-run a student protest against fee’s over twitter – it was somewhat hilarious and I strenuously denied being a part of such a ridiculously, outrageous protest. I did incite a little bit of argument over twitter though just for the fun of it, but that was about cutting the EMA budget with some idiot that thought college’s and further education shouldn’t exist and that each child should leave school at 15 and enter slave labour but, hey! Who am I to disagree? A moral human being.

I’ll attempt to update as often as I can but I can’t guarantee anything, it all depends on what Big Dave at the top of the hill has to say. I may transcribe good ol’ Cleggs speech later on about the “open society”. That should be a laugh.

Good night!

P.S. If you’re wondering why I’m straining myself to write a blog to 12 views a day, its because I have a friend who is a journalist in London who told me that a strong thing he had on his CV was his blog. Tadah, I’ll be working for the Guardian (God help me) because I wrote endlessly to the 12 same people. Lucky me!

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Letter to the Prime Minister – Richard Dawkins, in the words of Williams.

Hello, you,

Merry Christmas! I don’t mean it at all. I’m sure you’re celebrating it with your family, understandably, even the most devilish of people have hearts – or in your case, a rock. Congratulations on all the bad press you’ve been getting lately, by the way! I must say, the riots and then pulling out of the EU; my God, people thought you went mental. Then (oh, and then) you went and annoyed every single racist in the country by adopting that American term “Holiday” instead of Christmas, because it may offend. Which, I do say, is truly understandable, again.

I’m sure you’re singing carols with your family and reading sections of the bible – the King James Bible, though! No Eton-Oxbridge student dare touch any other! Enjoying it, I presume? Of course not. Silly me to even think you may enjoy something other than making brutal cuts to our economy that, sadly, do need to take place, but in moderation, rather than cutting away like this is some sort of slasher movie and you’re the protagonist from Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. Alas, oh dear David, the low income families of this once great Britain will have to suffer a more Jehovas Witness Christmas this year, without that religion malarky though – basically they just lack presents – but I’m sure you’ll think of something to say along the lines of: “Christmas is a time of giving love, rather than gifts, because no gift is greater than the gift of love” and then you’ll get your good old friend Georgey Osbourne to brag about the “economy seeing signs of growth!” even though we all know its just a fluctuation, but you shouldn’t care about economic growth, Dave, for “its about giving love” not gifts!

The Queen’s speech, tomorrow, I’m sure you’re delighted to know! I do hope you’ll be saying a few words along the way but I somewhat doubt it; a rumbling stomach simply cannot wait for Jeffery’s (your butler) delightful bird in a bird in a bird which, no doubt, he has shot and killed it himself from one of your fathers plots of land, or at least a Lord’s plot of land, in exchange for having a bloody wind turbine in their garden for 6 months.

In other less irreverent news, you gave your speech recently (15th December) on what you call “troubled families” and then that bloddy Dick Peg-leg Clegg only went and copied you in giving a speech on open societies. Good idea by the both of you, I must say! Take everybodies mind off the fact we’re heading for a total shit-storm by talking about things no-one really cares about; but, hey! at least nobody is rioting! I loved that quote “we will not fix these problems without revolution in responsibility”. It was somewhat ironic really because when other people revolutionise, say, capitalism by, oh, I don’t know, “Occupying London” you dislike it! It’s all well and good when we’re revolting in the ways you like. And you must have regretted reading that one out! It”s just asking to be paraphrased by some crooked Daily Mail journalist who probably worked for you once with “We will not fix these problems.” as the headline. Nevermind though, eh? It’s Christmas!

And what about him, eh? That bloody droopy-faced-characterless moron they call Ed Milliband. Trying to get “in” with the Lib Dems by openly offering them to sign some sort of stupid deal that will save us severing the ties with the US and Europe. Let’s be honest though, the US only provides us with Western ideals that we don’t need, Oil, fat people and burger king. They stole our language and defecated all over it, they took our way of life and pissed all over it and then, the bastards, they made everybody fat. Not only that, they drag us into every war they get into and blame it on Communism and Socialism.

I must, though, congratulate you on finally doing something right. Infrastructure is key to making our economy grow; Merkel would be proud! She loves her industrialism. Then again, so did Hitler.. And look where that got him. I’ve got to say though, if you really want to cut the deficit there’s an awful helicopter that constantly roams Salford, Manchester at ridiculous hours hoping to find some sort of wrong-doings but I’m almost certain they never have!

Anyhow, to wrap things up I bid a Merry Christmas to your familiy and most importantly, your pet, Nick. You, on the other hand, can probably just stop doing what you’re doing, realise your policies aren’t working that well, your speeches are fooling no-one and you’re probably going to witness some severe riots in the forseeable future. On the contrary, it gives you the opportunity to read one of those speeches on families and the big society, you so dearly love!



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